Break ups can be real hard, and nobody wants to go through that stage of hell. I am not a Love Guru myself, but I am here to share about how I overcome a break up based on my experience. To be honest, I haven't been into a lot of serious relationships. So far, the most hurtful break up I have ever been through was in September 2011. It was 3 years ago, and I still can remember clearly how did it happen and how did it affect me for quite sometime. The loss of this 2 years relationship with the guy I loved like crazy at that time actually bring on intense heartache and stress for quite a couple of months, and well, maybe years.
Sometimes I wonder, why do breakups hurt so much even when the relationship is no longer good? The loss of the relationship is one thing. Not only the relationship, the shared dreams, and commitments are shattered too.
I know it is not easy to cope with a break up, because I have gone through the exact same stage of hell. But it helps If you are determined enough.
1. It's okay to have mixed feelings, and give myself a break.
Feeling sad, confused, depressed, and angry are normal. These feelings can be intense. Just accept the reaction as things will get better overtime. Give ourselves a break, by not drowning yourself in sadness. Try going out with your girlfriends, go out shopping! Or hang out with family members, spend time with them. Try out something new! Give ourselves permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time.
2. Don't go through this all by myself, and keep myself busy.
Share your feelings with your friends and family. Perhaps it might help you get through this period. Go out with your friends and distract yourself from the thoughts of him. Keep yourself busy. I usually find myself a distraction to prevent myself from thinking about him.
Try to avoid places that would remind you of the both of you, or him. What I usually do in the process of moving on was not to go to the places we often went together, like East Coast Park, for example, And also his house area.
3. Think through about everything thoroughly.
Consider all the reasons why we broke up.
I also figured and understand that we both enjoyed being together for 2 years, and also understand if our relationship was not what we both wanted for life. It would have ended eventually.
I think about the reasons why it ended can make it much clearer to me that it takes two people to start a relationship. It also helps me to consider my actions to avoid missteps in the future when I can identify areas where I contributed to the demise of our relationship.
4. Remove memory triggers.
After the break up, I was not sure if I should discard the things he had given me, because honestly they mean a lot to me. Nothing really cost a lot, but they are really valuable for me, because I know he was sincere then. So I decided to keep it, in a drawer, I locked it and stay away from that drawer.
5. Keep some space.
My ex and I decided not to even becoming friends. Yeah, It might sound super hurtful, but that's the fact. I know deep inside, he hated me for not treasuring him last time, and moreover, I did not have the chance to even apologise to him for my mistakes. So I guess, keeping a space between us by not contacting one another anymore since the break up is definitely a good decision to make to move on from the past. As much as I wanna see him badly, I reconsider this thought again and ask myself "What's the point?". Yeah, what's the point of meeting him if that is going to relieve the memories? It might be harder to let it go again.
So yeah, keeping a space from him is definitely a good choice. Even if I am tempted, I refuse to go over his place and look for him anymore. I even forbade myself from going to his Facebook profile, Twitter etc to find out how he's doing. I keep telling myself there is no point.
6. Cope with the pain. Accept the fact.
Acceptance is the key to be able to move on from it.
Feeling messed up is normal. Accepting responsibility for the mistakes or shortcomings is healthy. After the break up, I blame myself everyday. But also encourage myself to be better next time for my new relationship and try not to commit the same mistake, and be a better girlfriend. I did my best in my previous relationship. And yeah, both of us made mistakes.
I accept the fact that he is no longer mine, and start moving on.
Cope with the pain does not mean keep listening to the sad songs. Yeah, I did that for quite sometimes. Like taking a long bus ride to somewhere, I don't know where because I have no destination, and listen to the songs we both like to listen together, and drown in the sorrow. This is definitely a wrong thing to do because I kept thinking about him and it became harder to move on.
So I stopped doing so, which kind of lead myself to the wrong path because I started partying, clubbing, drinking and get high to forget about him. That kind of help for a while but not for long.
I need a permanent solution, not temporary solution.
Moving on is not easy. But I never give up in trying to move on from that chapter of life. Have faith in myself that one day, I will be able to move on from that chapter of life. :)
7. Let go of the hatred.
No point being angry at myself or him. I felt a lot of anger at myself for not treasuring him at that moment every single day and repeatedly blame myself for the break up. But I am telling you, It does not help at all. It will only make it worse.
So I tell myself, "Change yourself!! Don't just keep blaming yourself! Change and be a better person!"
I also try to hate him for the break up, and started to pick on his flaws during the time when we were still together. I was actually trying to replace my feelings of love towards him with hate, but it does not help at all. It makes me feel complicated about my feelings. So I stopped. And let it go with the flow.
8. Write all my feelings down on my blog, diary, etc.
Be absolutely honest with myself, and write it all out in a journal, diary, or blog. Share my experience and feelings on my blog or diary to ease myself up after the break up.
The best results of writing it all down is that sometimes I will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes as I am pouring it all out onto paper.
Soon, I find it much easier to understand valuable life lessons from the whole experience after writing my way through it.
